EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS

"While strong feelings can create havoc in reasoning, the lack of awareness of feeling can also be ruinous, especially in weighing the decisions on which our destiny largely depends; what career to pursue, whether to stay with a secure job or switch to one that is riskier but more interesting, whom to date or marry, where to live... Such decisions cannot be made well through sheer rationality; they require gut feeling, and the emotional wisdom garnered through past experiences. Formal logic alone can never work as the basis for deciding whom to marry or trust or even what job to take; these are realms where reason without feeling is blind."

- Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is not separate from intelligence; just that it combines the emotions with the intelligence. EI is the ability in us to understand our emotions and that of others for good relationship and productive actions. An emotional intelligence minds are self-aware, self-motivated and proactive and seeks personal development in any challenge without any sense of personal loss. Emotional Quotient and EI have been much talked about since the 1990’s.If we are flexible enough and able to accept others for what they are, we possess EI to certain extent. We will be able to accept our own strengths and weakness and consciously choose our behavior without becoming impulsive. We can read the moods of others at any specific time and react suitably.

OUR EMOTIONS……….

Our ability to view situations objectively and thus to understand ourselves and other people depends on balancing and integrating the head and heart. Emotional intelligence is the ability to sense, understand and effectively apply the power of emotions, appropriately channeled as a source of energy, creativity and influence.

Emotions serve as the source of human energy, authenticity and drive, and can offer us a wellspring of intuitive wisdom. Each feeling provides us with valuable feedback throughout the day. This feedback from the heart is what ignites creativity, keeps us honest with ourselves, guides trusting relationships, and provides the compass for our life and career. Emotional intelligence requires that we learn to acknowledge and understand feelings - in ourselves and others - and that we appropriately respond to them, creatively applying the energy of the emotions to our daily life, work and relationships. Emotional intelligence is demonstrated by tolerance, empathy and compassion for others; the ability to verbalize feelings accurately and with integrity; and the resilience to bounce back from emotional upsets. It is the ability to be deeply feeling, authentic human being, no matter what life brings, no matter what challenges and opportunities we face.

Where Do Emotions Come From?

The word emotion is a fascinating word. Look at it this way: E-motion, or Energy, put into motion. That is what our emotions do. They move energy and bring things into motion, or manifestation. The force behind what we feel is what allows us to create. First we have our thought, or perception. But it is the emotional energy, the fuel, that allows something to get created. "I felt so strongly that I just had to rush out and do it". Therefore, to create in a positive way, we must generate positive emotions from clear thoughts and perceptions.

Thought triggers emotion. See what kind of thoughts you are thinking, and what kind of emotion that creates. Tune into how you feel. Use all your senses to ask if something doesn't feel right or comfortable in the way you are responding or feeling. If you don't like the emotion you are feeling, change the thoughts you are thinking that are the reason for you creating that emotion. Get a new perspective, in other words. Healing comes from taking responsibility to realize that it is you - and no-one else - that creates your thoughts, your feelings, and your action

The reactive response
The opposite of being response-able is to be 'reactive' - in this case one's response is not conscious and self-aware, it is mechanical, like the trigger of a gun. Rather than being objective in the present, one is subjectively in the past. A situation reminds you of the past and there you go. The thoughts that go through your mind - thoughts from the past - trigger an unpleasant or self-defeating emotional reaction, and result in behavior that is not in your best interest. In other words it is your beliefs and your perspective on things that determine your emotions, which then drive your resulting behavior.

These thoughts derive from times when they seemed like the best solution to trying circumstances, and they may be an agreement with a dominant, authoritative or persuasive force, or derive from the conclusion to an episode in your life of success or failure. If the original circumstances were unpleasant and become painful to think about, the accompanying thoughts, decisions and purposes become suppressed too, but continue to operate subconsciously.

When brought to light, it is apparent that the thoughts are affecting current life unnecessarily, as they are usually an over-generalization, an exaggeration, a negativity or an intolerance that is irrational. To become responsible again rather than reactive, one needs to become aware of these thoughts and examine them objectively. And to be conscious of the present moment, and so act (rather than react) as circumstances change.

The route to the underlying thoughts and beliefs is to recognize the situation or circumstance that triggers unwanted feelings and subsequent behavior, then see what thoughts are driving that reaction. Most often these are fleeting and subconscious, since they are associated with painful experiences or because they have long been installed in the mind as seemingly safe solutions to the situations of life and have therefore become taken for granted - 'built in' as part of one's identity. Normally you can't see what you are being - first you need to fully experience, accept and release the emotion.

Finding the underlying thought pattern is crucial to resolving the reactivity, and when it is seen in the light of an objective view this is a great relief, because the past decision - and the beliefs surrounding it - can normally be changed quite readily. It may mean finding a new solution to the problem that it has been 'solving' in the mind, but the clearer view makes this possible.

If the previous solution is used to make one feel right (or justified if connected with bad actions) and/or to make others wrong defensively or manipulatively, then some courage is needed to adopt the new, more rational view. If you have done something wrong in the past, it is best to be thankful you made that mistake, because it gives you the opportunity now to learn a valuable lesson.

These principles are common to much of humanistic psychology, and are also the basis for further transpersonal work. To recap, the way it works is this:

1. The person has a traumatic experience, of pain or loss.
2. As a result of the experience, s/he makes a decision or intention for the future, such as "men are selfish bastards, I can't trust them" which becomes part of their belief system.
3. Because the incident was painful it is suppressed, and the accompanying decision is identified with, but both remain in the mind and continue to have influence.
4. When the incident is restimulated by similar circumstances in the present, the old decision is subconsciously dramatized. The tape replays subconsciously.
5. The decision may have been relevant and appropriate to the original circumstances but it is probably not appropriate now - it is therefore irrational and somewhat stupid, i.e. it may contain an assumption or generalization that causes intolerance or negativity.
6. The current situation is interpreted according to the restimulated beliefs and considerations, and so the person creates unpleasant emotions (sadness, fear, anger, etc), which then drive the him or her to behave in an inappropriate and self-defeating way; rather than the appropriate and self-empowering way that a rational and objective interpretation would encourage.

The Releasing procedure helps you to re-experience the painful emotion, to the point that you realize that you actually create the emotion based on your interpretation of events, and that you are not the emotion, i.e. "I create the feeling of being angry" rather than "I am angry". With acceptance of the emotion, so that you can have it or not have it and still be content, then you can let the emotion go.

For the releasing to be permanent you also need to spot the underlying irrational thought, assumption, decision or intention, and how it has been driving your emotions. Now the emotion is cleared it will no longer be dominating your view of the situation and these thoughts will be exposed. Upon examination it becomes clear that you can change your mind about this and see things differently, so will you no longer need to feel upset in similar circumstances and have new freedom to behave in ways more aligned with your goals in life.

The shadow self
We each have a belief system full of ideas imprinted by our culture and upbringing, and as the effect of earlier traumatic experiences, and even influences we are born with. They are here with us all the time in the present and effect our view of things and interpretation of events, so that we are not really free to be ourselves, and to know our true selves and our true goals and purposes in life.

Part of our belief system is conscious and makes up the personality we knowingly present to the world. Another part is less conscious and these are beliefs that we suppress because they are uncomfortable to face - they make up our 'Shadow Self'. It includes aspects of ourself that we resist - qualities we have that we don't like, things we've done we are ashamed of, things we've believed that others have told us that are negative evaluations or invalidations. Accompanying these beliefs are put-downs, self-invalidations. For example, I found myself feeling afraid on occasions and judged myself a coward: "I despise this cowardly streak I have."

To help in suppressing painful aspects of the shadow self, we then use these put-downs against others too, e.g. criticizing someone because he is cowardly to speak up, to reinforce the suppression of the belief one has about oneself.

So when you resist, deny or suppress a belief about yourself, you then reinforce this by projecting the same suppression on others. I might suppress the belief that I'm not a kind person by criticizing another for being mean. Ironically, when we realize someone is being kind, this is only possible because one has recognized that kindness within oneself, otherwise it would not be real to you.

Men who deny the feminine aspect of themselves often then criticize other men for being soft or over-sensitive. And women who through their conditioning suppress their masculine aspects may criticize other women for being tough or aggressive.

As we become more aware, through practices such as meditation, self-remembering, applying the Releasing method, and in particular through the in-depth technique of The Insight Project, we can let go of these 'Shadow' aspects of our personality, we no longer need them as 'safe solutions', their lies have been exposed. And the energy we put into anger, hate, jealousy, guilt, envy and so on is freed up and transmuted to its true nature, which is our own true nature, love.

Responsibilities yours or mine???
Another's determinism (including their emotional responses) is their responsibility, not yours. This is a hard lesson to learn. If lover promise his love that he will take her to the film, but this turns out not to be possible, she may be upset and angry. It is easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for this upset, to feel that he caused it. But it is your girlfriend who causes her own grief, not you. You are responsible for doing what you think is right, according to your ethical judgment. If you do something wrong according to your own ethics, you are responsible for that. You are not responsible for the other person's reactions though, that is their determinism, their freedom.

If you do something you think is right and someone gets upset about it, even if you could have predicted that, the upset is nevertheless that person's responsibility. Sometimes you do something you know another probably won't like, because it is the right and therefore responsible thing to do. The other person's reaction is their personal responsibility. You may decide to withhold an action because of a predicted effect, although that effect is another's responsibility. Here it is an ethical judgment - withholding that action, if it is the right thing to do, may be a wrong-doing in itself.

For example if you were to withhold doing personal development because your partner has said they do not want you to change in any way, perhaps because they project their personal fears and insecurities, that is your choice. But if you consider making a better life for yourself is the ethical thing to do - for the benefit of yourself and ultimately for others too - and you tell your partner that and she gets upset, it is your partner who is responsible for the upset - it is her interpretation of your actions that creates her own upset, not your action in itself, which is a responsible action.

You can genuinely love someone whilst nevertheless doing something they don't like or agree with. You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do, though you still understand and have empathy for their different viewpoint (which causes their emotional reaction, part of their 'case' which they have created by their own choices and belief system).

If one only did things others can easily accept then the status quo would never progress. That would truly be a trap. The solution here is better communication, leading to increased understanding of each other's viewpoint, and therefore acceptance of the differing personal realities.

There is strong cultural conditioning to feel sad, guilty, etc. for painful emotions that our actions, however well meant, may cause to others. In society there's a general misconception that you are your emotions. "I am angry" and "you make me angry". This is conditioning not truth. In terms of cause and effect, it's a viewpoint at effect. Some say that to be happy only do what others can easily experience - it's the same lie.

The Church teaches "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you". This is evidently true, as if you are being ethical then it's going to be OK for others to do the same to you. And if it isn't then you'd better re-think whether you are indeed doing the right thing. It is one definition of a 'wrong' action: that which you would not like another to do to you.

It's a basic principle of respect for others (as one would wish for oneself) that they are responsible for their actions and reactions - that is their freedom of choice. They are not a slave or puppet.

From your interpretation of reality you make decisions and your decisions and choices and emotional tone have enormous influence on the direction of your life and what happens.

Looking at life and relationships in terms of Communication, Understanding and Empathy (CUE) is a spiritual viewpoint. It is like the 'love of God' - it can seem harsh but it's about the 'greatest good'. It has no room for the 'victim' identification, jealousy and those kinds of very human responses, which are based on conditioned lies.

Consideration for the other person comes into play when you judge ethics, what is best overall, not just for oneself. However the other may not agree with your judgment nor like it. That is an aspect of the unknown and randomness of the game of life. You try to make it a win-win rather than competitive game by increasing the qualities of CUE.

You are responsible for your choices, decisions and actions. For being true to your judgment. For communicating with honesty and integrity, developing and maintaining an open mind, and promoting understanding and empathy. For never compromising your freedoms and rights nor trampling on another's. For always acting from the primary motivation of love. That's all and quite enough.

Balancing Emotional And Intellectual Intelligences

When managers think of emotion, they often focus on overreaction that they have witnessed in the workplace-conflicts, hurt feelings, or even their own embarrassing moments. Letting emotions overpower our intellect is not what we mean by emotional intelligence; in fact, quite the opposite is true: out of control emotions are not what we want, at work or elsewhere.

On the other hand, listening only to our rational, factual side in not emotional intelligence, either.Fellings, instincts and intuitions gained through experience are vital sources of information about world around us. We operate only the half the information we need to make valid decisions when we try to use only rational, cognitively derived data. This approach does not lead to overall success within any organization or to satisfying personal life.

Psychologists quantify the rational thinking part of our brains we call it IQ. Psychologists and educators do not agree on exactly how to measure it nor what number really mean. Nonetheless, we have some widely used and accepted measures of intelligence: An IQ of 120 tells us something about persons general ability, as does an IQ of 85.However, the intelligence does not correlate highly with success on the job. Based on recent studies experts now believe that only 25% of IQ contributes to one’s over all success. So, if its not just IQ for success then what else it could be???case studies and longitudinal studies by highly regarded leaders give us a clue: opportunity adds a few percentage points, but many well-respected leaders create their own opportunities. They are able to do so because they rank high on all dimensions of Emotional intelligence.

It is EQ that allows us to express preferences in decision-making, passionately pursue a goal, control our temper and offer persuasive arguments’ for or against an idea. EQ explains why we like certain people better than others and helps us get along with the ones we don’t. It is EQ that helps us to build relationships and helps us to think clearly when things goes wrong. Real leaders are those who actively inspire and motivate others, create teamwork and achieve outstanding results; they model the behavior they want to see in their employees. Emotional Intelligence can move management to leadership and make the people at the top sit up and take notice of your contributions to the company.

A Passbook for Couples

Soniya married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party, Soniya's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook with Rs.1000 deposit amount.

Mother: 'Soniya, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'

Soniya shared this with Hitesh when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.

This was what they did after certain time:

- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage

- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Soniya

- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali

- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, they got baby

- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted

.... and so on...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love...Kind of typical nowadays, huh?

One day Soniya talked to her Mother:

'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'

Soniya thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account.

While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home.

When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce.

The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Soniya. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe.

Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired? I did not ask. I believe the money did not matter anymore after they had gone thru all the good years in their life.

"When you fall, in any way, don't see the place where you fell, Instead see the place from where you slipped."

"Life is about correcting the mistakes."

An Interview With God

"Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"What surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."
God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...

"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God replied with a smile: "To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis!

To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different.

To learn that a true friend in someone who knows everything about them... and likes them anyway.

To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."

I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment.
I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day.

All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."

People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.

11 Easy Ways to Manage Anger

The first step in being able to learn effective anger management techniques is to recognize the situations that make you angry and your body's warning signs of anger.

List things that can trigger your anger

Make a list of the things that often set off your anger (for example, running late for work and getting stuck in a traffic jam, your teenager leaving not helping out around the house or a co-worker blaming you for something you didn't do). If you know ahead of time what makes you angry, you may be able to avoid these things or do something different when they happen.

Pay attention to the warning signs of anger in your body

Notice the things that happen to your body that tell you when you are getting angry (for example, a pounding heart, flushed face, sweating, tense jaw, tightness in your chest or gritting your teeth).The earlier you can recognize these warning signs of anger, the more successful you will probably be at calming yourself down before your anger gets out of control.

Find anger management techniques that work for you

There are a number of different ways of managing anger and some strategies will suit you better than others. Here's some simple ways to put an end to the vicious cycle of stress that anger can bring:

Control your thinking

When you're angry, your thinking can get exaggerated and irrational. Try replacing these kinds of thoughts with more useful, rational ones and you should find that this has an affect on the way you feel. For example, instead of telling yourself "I can't stand it, it's awful and everything's ruined," tell yourself "It's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it." Psychologists call this type of thinking "self talk."

Develop a list of things to say to yourself before, during and after situations in which you may get angry. It is more helpful if these things focus on how you are managing the situation rather than what other people should be doing.

Before:

"I'll be able to handle this. It could be rough, but I have a plan."
"If I feel myself getting angry, I'll know what to do."

During:

"Stay calm, relax, and breathe easy."
"Stay calm, I'm okay, s/he's not attacking me personally."
"I can look and act calm."

After:

"I managed that well. I can do this. I'm getting better at this."
"I felt angry, but I didn't lose my cool."

Take time out

If you feel your anger getting out of control, take time out from a situation or an argument. Try stepping outside the room, or going for a walk. Before you go, remember to make a time to talk about the situation later when everyone involved has calmed down. During time out, plan how you are going to stay calm when your conversation resumes.

Use distraction

A familiar strategy for managing anger is to distract your mind from the situation that is making you angry. Try counting to ten, playing soothing music, talking to a good friend, or focusing on a simple task like polishing the car, doing the dishes, folding laundry or walking the dog.

Use relaxation techniques

Relaxation strategies can reduce the feelings of tension and stress in your body. Practice strategies such as taking long deep breaths and focusing on your breathing, or progressively working around your body and relaxing your muscles as you go.

Learn assertiveness skills

Assertiveness skills can be learnt through self-help books or by attending courses. These skills ensure that anger is channelled and expressed in clear and respectful ways. Being assertive means being clear with others about what your needs and wants are, feeling okay about asking for them, but respecting the other person's needs and concerns as well and being prepared to negotiate.

Avoid using words like "never" or "always" (for example, "You're always late!"), as these statements are usually inaccurate, make you feel as though your anger is justified, and don't leave much possibility for the problem to be solved.

Try to acknowledge what is making you angry

Acknowledge that a particular issue has made you angry by admitting it to yourself and others. Telling someone that you felt angry when they did or said something is more helpful than just acting out the anger.

Make sure you think about who you express your anger to, and take care that you aren't just dumping your anger on the people closest to you, or on people who are less powerful than you. For example, don't yell at your partner, children, or dog when you are really angry with your boss.

Sometimes it can help to write things down. What is happening in your life? How do you feel about the things that are happening? Writing about these topics can sometimes help give you some distance and perspective and help you understand your feelings. Work out some options for changing your situation.

Rehearsing anger management techniques

Use your imagination to practice anger management strategies. Imagine yourself in a situation that usually sets off your anger. Imagine how you could behave in that situation without getting angry. Think about a situation where you did get angry. Replay the situation in your mind and imagine resolving the situation without anger.

Try rehearsing some anger management strategies with a friend. Ask them to help you act out a situation where you get angry, so that you can practice other ways to think and behave. Practice saying things in an assertive way.

What does "Namaste" mean?

The gesture Namaste represents the belief that

there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located

in the heart chakra.

The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul

in one by the soul in another.

"Nama" means bow,

"as" means I, and

"te" means you.

Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."

To perform Namaste, we place the hands together at the heart charka,

close the eyes, and bow the head. It can also be done by placing the hands

together in front of the third eye, bowing the head, and then

bringing the hands down to the heart.

This is an especially deep form of respect.

Although in the West the word "Namaste" is usually spoken in conjunction

with the gesture, in India, it is understood that the gesture itself signifies Namaste,

and therefore, it is unnecessary to say the word while bowing.

We bring the hands together at the heart chakra to increase the flow of

Divine love. Bowing the head and closing the eyes helps the mind

surrender to the Divine in the heart. One can do Namaste to oneself as a

meditation technique to go deeper inside the heart chakra;

when done with someone else, it is also a beautiful, albeit quick, meditation.

For a teacher and student, Namaste allows two individuals to come together

energetically to a place of connection and timelessness, free from the bonds of

ego-connection.

If it is done with deep feeling in the heart and with the mind surrendered,

a deep union of spirits can blossom.

Ideally, Namaste should be done both at the beginning and at the end of class.

Usually, it is done at the end of class because the mind is less active and

the energy in the room is more peaceful. The teacher initiates Namaste

as a symbol of gratitude and respect toward her students and her own teachers

and in return invites the students to connect with their lineage,

thereby allowing the truth to flow — the truth that we are all one

when we live from the heart.

Work Smart, Not Hard

Working smarter, not harder, is an age-old adage, and if you master the concept, your entire working life will be easier. There are simple techniques that you can employ to save steps and tedium from almost any task.

Steps

Assess everything that needs to be done. Before you plunge in headfirst, remember that enthusiasm needs to be tempered with wisdom. Look over every aspect of the job, and allow yourself ample "pondering time" so that you can be sure that every detail is accomplished on time, and accurately.

Make an outline. Whether it's in your head or on paper, you should have a checklist in mind, and follow it to the letter, and in order - you don't want to repeat steps, duplicate the efforts of others, or make mistakes. Also, you definitely don't want to forget anything.

Consider your materials. Don't take shortcuts, when possible, on the quality of your materials. Cheap materials are harder to work with, because they aren't as sturdy or nice. Because they're harder to work with, they take longer to bend to your will. Remember that working smart means thinking about these things - in most jobs, the materials aren't where the majority of the costs are. It's the labor - the time needed to complete the job - that costs the company more money. Using inexpensive materials where they are easily installed makes sense. Trying to save a few bucks but spending an extra hour or two because those cheap things didn't install properly doesn't make any sense at all.

Follow your plan and don't deviate from it - unless you must. Once you've assessed the job and come up with a plan, it's usually best to stick with the plan. However, things come up: a part doesn't fit, or it turns out it's not the best item for the job, someone gets sick, all sorts of emergencies can throw a wrench into your plan. Be prepared to think on your feet, and be resourceful. Nimble thinking is essential to working smart, especially when something goes wrong. Following a plan slavishly, in spite of new information, developments, or problems is just plain dumb. Be flexible and change if you need to.

Delegate to the right people at the right times. Make sure your team is well-ordered. If one person is faster, put him or her on the part of your task that will take longest. If one person is more skilled and accurate, put him or her on the part of the task that is most critical.

Work parallel. This means that there may be four or five, for example, components to your job. Let's say you are a design and display company creating a display for a county fair. Your client wants a combination of signs, banners, flyers, and brochures, along with a booth design. You set your best designer in motion to design the copy and look of things, but meanwhile, you assign someone to procure what essential supplies you will need. So far, you could be having one of your people contact printers to get pricing for the number of flyers and/or brochures your client wants, and another to take an inventory of what sign and banner materials you already have on hand - vinyl or paint colors, banner sizes, pre-cut blanks. This way, once the client meeting is complete and you have a good idea of what is going into the installation, you can match it to your inventory and see if there are things on hand that you can use to get started, while someone else goes and gets the things you still need.

Control clients by communicating properly. Many times, it's hard to work smart because your clients will insist that their job is a big rush. Instead of scrambling to get that job done, make sure your clients understand in the initial meeting what your normal turnaround time for their job would be. If you know you will need two weeks, don't let the client squeeze you into one week unless that client is willing to pay extra for the rush. Most businesses have more than one client, yet many clients forget that their job is not the only one you're working on.

Stick to your policies. If you charge extra to rush a job, don't deviate from that, ever. It's unfair to apply policies to some customers and not others. When one client comes in and is very pushy, feeling entitled to your undivided attention immediately, often, you can simply say something like, "Sure, we can rush the job for you, but I need to let you know that it will cost extra - probably as much as 50% more than the original quote, for the rush." It's amazing how quickly this type of client stands down, saying, "Oh, forget that - it's not that big a rush. We can wait." Just let them know that you are willing to rush their jobs, but by doing so, you must move other customers who were "in line" before them out of the way - causing you to run those jobs behind. Plus, you need different workers to complete different jobs, and rushing requires you to pay them overtime, rather than allowing more time to complete the job during regular hours. This is smart - it lets your clients know that you really know your stuff, plus it relieves your schedule or makes you more money.

Give one to three choices - never more. Handing a swatch book to a client and saying, "Tell me which colors you are interested in" is deadly. Too many choices will cause horrible delays as the customer peruses ALL possibilities, and later tends to second-guess every decision, wanting to see it now "In green?" or how about "In this chartreuse? It's just a shade different, but..." Oy. Instead, say things like, "Do you like this blue or this green better?" Lots of the jobs you do will instantly suggest certain tools, colors, approaches, materials, etc. You can also attempt to influence the client in the direction you think best for his purpose. Use your expertise to narrow down the critical choices right away: "We can paint, which will be expensive to fix when it weathers, about 3 - 5 years from now, or we can use 5-year vinyl, or 10-year vinyl for the letters. The best stuff only costs a few dollars more."

Never willingly trap yourself into accepting a bad job. You know when a job is going to be great. You also know when you get that "uh-oh" feeling that something is not right. A client or boss who pressures you into areas where you are not comfortable, either because it is an unreasonable expectation or because it's outside your scope needs to be aware immediately of your discomfort with the job as proposed. Make any misgivings clear instantly, and in front of others, if possible. If you are self-employed, declining a job like this is much smarter, even though it's so hard to let that money go when you depend on every job for your livelihood. Still, a client who doesn't pay because you didn't adhere to every jot and tittle of his demands (and some are just breathtakingly demanding) is not a good customer in the end, and if you work for hours and end up not being paid all or part of what you worked for - especially when you were sweating bullets over it the whole time - is not smart. And it's the hardest work you'll ever do.

Work as hard and as efficiently as possible, and finish each job as quickly as you can. Hit every job with everything you've got. Getting it done quickly and efficiently - while you have the time - is much smarter than looking at the schedule and telling yourself you have three more days to get it done, and then going to a long lunch or off to play tennis or whatever. You don't know what will happen tomorrow - you might come down with the flu. Figuring that you will need only one day to complete that job if nothing goes wrong and then sitting on it just because you can is dumb. If you end up getting sick, you might not even be well enough to finish on time, let alone early. Running out the clock on jobs when you don't absolutely need to can force a rush at the finish line, or worse, deprives you of opportunities you might not have otherwise.

Example: you're the self-employed designer mentioned above. Today is Wednesday. You have a big job due for Client A on Friday. You know the job will only take about 8 hours if all goes well. You could quit at 4pm and go to a ballgame with friends, leaving you all day tomorrow to finish so that the job will be ready for pickup on Friday morning. Or you could put your head down and work until 7pm today instead of your usual 6pm. If you do this, you will be finished today - the client can pick it up on Thursday morning, a full day ahead of schedule. You decide to sacrifice the ballgame and get the job done tonight. On Thursday morning, Client B comes in, panicked because he has a job which he needs finished by Friday - you've worked with him before, and he realizes he will have to pay a rush charge to get it done that quickly. You accept the job on a rush basis, knowing you have cleared your schedule and can easily turn this around in time during regular hours - you will work no overtime, but still receive rush pay. Had you gone to that ballgame, Client A's job would still be sitting there, undone, and in front of this job, and you would have to work all day today to finish it, then be forced to pull an all-nighter to finish Client B's rush job. But because you sacrificed your fun at the ballgame: You can call Client A on Thursday and let him know he can come and pick up his job, plus, you can do the new job, be Client B's hero - and you can get his job to him by Friday! On top of that, you can even give Client B a slight discount (from the rate he was willing to pay for the rush job), and still make loads of money you wouldn't have been able to make at all, had you allowed Client A's job to run out until Friday, slacking until the last minute.

Recognize the point of 'diminishing returns.' The above steps do not imply that you should work yourself to the point of exhaustion. You need to protect your health and the integrity of your job. Working yourself to a frazzle constantly makes you prone to mistakes. When you're so tired that you realize it's taking you twice or three times longer to do a job than normal, you need to call it a day. Rest at least a few hours, and come back fresher, so that you can be strong at the end of the job. Learn how to power nap.

Finish strong. It's sooooo important! Being dead tired and sluggish at the finish line is not smart - it's foolish. Be sure that you are well rested at deadline time. On the day a client is expected to pick up his or her job, go over it with a fine-toothed comb - and this means checking the finished product against the original instructions, making sure they match up. Check it for accuracy and detail, make any adjustments, corrections or touch-ups well ahead of the time the client will arrive. Making sure every last detail has been checked and re-verified will make you confident and calm when your client comes to pick up the job. You can present it proudly, knowing that everything has been done to ensure the client will be happy with the finished product. Your confidence spills over to the client, which also makes it easier to ask for that final payment - when you see the client smiling and appreciative of the work you've done for him or her. This works for any project you have to do in life.

Tips

When you can work, do. Don't slack or allow time to run out so that you're rushing at the end to meet a deadline.

When you're sick, stay home and rest until you are well. You make too many mistakes when you're ill or tired to call that "working smart."

Learn to make your money work for you. Working a lot and spending every penny you make is NOT working smart!

Warnings

It's mentioned above that you should avoid taking a bad job. By that, it's meant that you know that it's a sort of thing you aren't good at, or that is not part of the usual services you offer, or that it's something you don't know much about. Instead of trying to bs your way through it, tell the truth. And if you get an "uh-oh" feeling from the client, don't take the job. If you have a sense right away that this client is not on the same page with you, either you must take steps immediately to get them there, or you must not take the job. This doesn't suggest that a difficult client is a bad client - often, a difficult client isn't really so difficult at all, once s/he knows you and trusts you to do the good job s/he requires. But one who constantly grinds for discounts, tries to get you to cut corners to save money, or changes scope of job or deadlines in the middle of everything, this is someone who will work your last nerve. You must ask yourself if the money you make on these jobs is worth the time, effort and tears.

There is one other situation you should take caution with, and that is allowing the customer to make changes mid-stream, causing you to go out of pocket much more than you originally planned. A little tweak is one thing. A big change should stop everything while you re-think - and re-bid. The client should be made aware instantly that it's not "just a little change", and that making changes in mid-job could cost significantly more. Don't allow yourself to be suckered into making "just a little adjustment" more than one time during a job. Some clients have this down to a science, asking for "small changes" several times when you're already heavily into the project. Many huge problems and disagreements (usually resulting in you not getting paid as you should have, had you bid the job this way originally) start with "small changes."

Who Packed Your Parachute?

As a leader, do you honor and appreciate the power of WE? Do you stop to thank and recognize the members of your team? Do you consistently show an attitude of gratitude?

I recently read a great story about Captain Charles Plumb, a graduate from the Naval Academy, whose plane, after 74 successful combat missions over North Vietnam, was shot down. He parachuted to safety, but was captured, tortured and spent 2,103 days in a small box-like cell.

After surviving the ordeal, Captain Plumb received the Silver Star, Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit and two Purple Hearts, and returned to America and spoke to many groups about his experience and how it compared to the challenges of every day life.

Shortly after coming home, Charlie and his wife were sitting in a restaurant. A man rose from a nearby table, walked over and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"

Surprised that he was recognized, Charlie responded, "How in the world did you know that?" The man replied, "I packed your parachute." Charlie looked up with surprise. The man pumped his hand, gave a thumbs-up, and said, "I guess it worked!"

Charlie stood to shake the man's hand, and assured him, "It most certainly did work. If it had not worked, I would not be here today."

Charlie could not sleep that night, thinking about the man. He wondered if he might have seen him and not even said, "Good morning, how are you?" He thought of the many hours the sailor had spent bending over a long wooden table in the bottom of the ship, carefully folding the silks and weaving the shrouds of each chute, each time holding in his hands the fate of someone he didn't know.

Plumb then began to realize that along with the physical parachute, he needed mental, emotional and spiritual parachutes. He had called on all these supports during his long and painful ordeal.

As a leader, how many times a day, a week, a month, do we pass up the opportunity to thank those people in our organization who are "packing our parachutes?"

10 Ways to Catch a Liar

J.J. Newberry was a trained federal agent, skilled in the art of deception detection. So when a witness to a shooting sat in front of him and tried to tell him that when she heard gunshots she didn't look, she just ran -- he knew she was lying.

How did Newberry reach this conclusion? The answer is by recognizing telltale signs that a person isn't being honest, like inconsistencies in a story, behavior that's different from a person's norm, or too much detail in an explanation.

While using these signs to catch a liar takes extensive training and practice, it's no longer only for authorities like Newberry. Now, the average person can become adept at identifying dishonesty, and it's not as hard as you might think. Experts tell WebMD the top 10 ways to let the truth be known.

Tip No. 1: Inconsistencies

"When you want to know if someone is lying, look for inconsistencies in what they are saying," says Newberry, who was a federal agent for 30 years and a police officer for five.

When the woman he was questioning said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots -- without looking -- Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.

"There was something that just didn't fit," says Newberry. "She heard gunshots but she didn't look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that."

So when she wasn't paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him.

"When a person hears a noise, it's a natural reaction to look toward it," Newberry tells WebMD. "I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction from which they came, saw the shooter, and then ran."

Sure enough, he was right.

"Her story was just illogical," says Newberry. "And that's what you should look for when you're talking to someone who isn't being truthful. Are there inconsistencies that just don't fit?"

Tip No. 2: Ask the Unexpected

"About 4% of people are accomplished liars and they can do it well," says Newberry. "But because there are no Pinocchio responses to a lie, you have to catch them in it."

Sir Walter Scott put it best: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" But how can you a catch a person in his own web of lies?

"Watch them carefully," says Newberry. "And then when they don't expect it, ask them one question that they are not prepared to answer to trip them up."

Tip No. 3: Gauge Against a Baseline

"One of the most important indicators of dishonesty is changes in behavior," says Maureen O'Sullivan, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. "You want to pay attention to someone who is generally anxious, but now looks calm. Or, someone who is generally calm but now looks anxious."

The trick, explains O'Sullivan, is to gauge their behavior against a baseline. Is a person's behavior falling away from how they would normally act? If it is, that could mean that something is up.

Tip No. 4: Look for Insincere Emotions

"Most people can't fake smile," says O'Sullivan. "The timing will be wrong, it will be held too long, or it will be blended with other things. Maybe it will be a combination of an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile."

These fake emotions are a good indicator that something has gone afoul.

Tip No. 5: Pay Attention to Gut Reactions

"People say, 'Oh, it was a gut reaction or women's intuition,' but what I think they are picking up on are the deviations of true emotions," O'Sullivan tells WebMD.

While an average person might not know what it is he's seeing when he thinks someone isn't being honest and attribute his suspicion to instinct, a scientist would be able to pinpoint it exactly -- which leads us to tip no. 6.

Tip No. 6: Watch for Microexpressions

When Joe Schmo has a gut feeling, Paul Ekman, a renowned expert in lie detection, sees microexpressions.

"A microexpression is a very brief expression, usually about a 25th of a second, that is always a concealed emotion," says Ekman, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco.

So when a person is acting happy, but in actuality is really upset about something, for instance, his true emotion will be revealed in a subconscious flash of anger on his face. Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face in the blink of an eye. The trick is to see it.

"Almost everyone -- 99% of those we've tested in about 10,000 people -- won't see them," says Ekman. "But it can be taught."

In fact, in less than an hour, the average person can learn to see microexpressions.

Tip No. 7: Look for Contradictions

"The general rule is anything that a person does with their voice or their gesture that doesn't fit the words they are saying can indicate a lie," says Ekman. "For example, this is going to sound amazing, but it is true. Sometimes when people are lying and saying, 'Yes, she's the one that took the money,' they will without knowing it make a slight head shake 'no.' That's a gesture and it completely contradicts what they're saying in words."

These contradictions, explains Ekman, can be between the voice and the words, the gesture and the voice, the gesture and the words, or the face and the words.

"It's some aspect of demeanor that is contradicting another aspect," Ekman tells WebMD.

Tip No. 8: A Sense of Unease

"When someone isn't making eye contact and that's against how they normally act, it can mean they're not being honest," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice. "They look away, they're sweating, they look uneasy ... anything that isn't normal and indicates anxiety."

Tip No. 9: Too Much Detail

"When you say to someone, 'Oh, where were you?' and they say, 'I went to the store and I needed to get eggs and milk and sugar and I almost hit a dog so I had to go slow,' and on and on, they're giving you too much detail," says Berman.

Too much detail could mean they've put a lot of thought into how they're going to get out of a situation and they've crafted a complicated lie as a solution.

Tip No. 10: Don't Ignore the Truth

"It's more important to recognize when someone is telling the truth than telling a lie because people can look like they're lying but be telling truth," says Newberry.

While it sounds confusing, finding the truth buried under a lie can sometimes help find the answer to an important question: Why is a person lying?

These 10 truth tips, experts agree, all help detect deception. What they don't do is tell you why a person is lying and what the lie means.

"Microexpressions don't tell you the reason," says Ekman. "They just tell you what the concealed emotion is and that there is an emotion being concealed."

When you think someone is lying, you have to either know the person well enough to understand why he or she might lie, or be a people expert.

"You can see a microexpression, but you have to have more social-emotional intelligence on people to use it accurately," says O'Sullivan. "You have to be a good judge of people to understand what it means."

Extra Tip: Be Trusting

"In general we have a choice about which stance we take in life," says Ekman. "If we take a suspicious stance life is not going to be too pleasant, but we won't get misled very often. If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant but sometimes we are going to be taken in. As a parent or a friend, you're much better off being trusting rather than looking for lies all the time."

How To Negotiate Your Salary

1. Do your homework. This includes researching the current market value for the position and carrying that knowledge with you into the talks. Creating a Pay Scale Salary Profile and keeping it updated helps you to always know the median value for your skill set. Learn how to negotiate salary from a position strength by having the most current salary information for your job.

2. Know your needs and wants. "You have a range in mind of what you'd really like. Otherwise, if you are out in left field-you are never going to be successful. [For example] a woman who wants to make 55,000 a year and decides she's changing careers and wants to be a typist-I don't know many 55,000-a-year typists,".

3. Learn a methodology for handling the questions, "What are you looking for?" and "What kind of salary do you want?" The bottom line is, "I'm negotiable." If it's too soon to talk about money, she encourages applicants to change the discussion topic to job requirements or expectations. Learn how to negotiate salary by being prepared for salary questions during the interview.

4. Know your options and ask, ask, ask. Be familiar with possible perks and benefits, and ways to increase your salary; brainstorming and making lists can be useful here. "People turn it into mileage allowances for driving. Anything is potentially negotiable unless you don't ask about it,".

5. Always negotiate in person. "You can't read an expression, show a presentation, or have convincing reasons quite as well on the phone as you can when you engage them [employers] face-to-face, " Learning how to negotiate salary in person is a key to higher earnings.

The Mystery of the Roast Pork

As Jane serves "roast pork" for dinner, John comments on how "delicious" it looks but has been wondering for a long time why Jane cuts off both ends of the pork.

She ask her, "well dear" replies Jane, "I have always watched my mother do it when I was growing up and therefore cannot answer why this has to be done, however I shall ask her why when I speak with her next"

Later that evening Jane calls her mother to ask. After a short silent pause, the mother replies "Well dear, I have always watched your grandmother prepare the roast pork this way, therefore maybe you should ask her"

By this time curiosity has got the better of Jane and she calls her grandmother almost immediately. ...

"Grandma, why do you cut off both ends of the roast pork when preparing it" ask Jane. "is this to make it taste better"

Her Grandma replies "well Jane, as far as I can remember the reason I done that was because I could not fit the pork into my cooking pot otherwise"

The moral of the story is that we as a society seem to do things almost instinctively or automatically without knowing the actual real historical reason behind them.

According to the school of "transactional analysis" we always seem to associate such messages from our childhood days and therefore the "drivers" coming from our parents and ancestors both influence and orient our actions throughout our lives and as if it has been "thrust" into the values we all hold as "a highest priority" influence directly to these orders.

But who for example, is capable of always doing everything perfectly? No one is! So statements such as "be perfect" is therefore a message which is terribly constraining on the human mind.

It creates strong internal tension in both us as individuals and society as a whole. This in turn affects the way we communicate towards each other.

Law Of The Seed

Law of the Seed

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be

five hundred apples on the tree and each

apple has ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds!

We might ask, "Why would you need so many

seeds to grow just a few more apple trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here.

IT'S TELLING US:

“Not all seeds grow. In life, most seeds never grow”.

So if you really want to make something happen,

you had better try more than once."

THIS MIGHT MEAN:

You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.

You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.

And you might meet a hundred acquaintances

just to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed",

we don't get so disappointed.

We stop feeling like victims.

We learn how to deal with things that happen to us.

Laws of nature are not things to take personally.

We just need to understand them - and work with them.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Successful people fail more often. But they plant more seeds.

When things are beyond your control,

here's something that you must NOT DO

so as to avoid misery in your life:

- You must not decide how you think the world SHOULD be.
- You must not make rules for how everyone SHOULD behave.
- Then, when the world doesn't obey your rules, you get angry!
- That's what miserable people do!

ON THE OTHER HAND, LET'S

SAY YOU EXPECT THAT:

-Friends SHOULD return favors.

-People SHOULD appreciate you.
-Planes SHOULD arrive on time.

-Everyone SHOULD be honest.
-Your husband or best friend SHOULD

remember your birthday.

These expectations may sound reasonable.

But often, these things won't happen!
So you end up frustrated and disappointed.

THERE'S A BETTER STRATEGY:

Demand less, and instead, have preferences!

For things that are beyond your control, tell yourself:

"I would prefer this, but if that happens, it’s OK too!"

This is really a change in mindset. It is a shift in attitude,

and it gives you more peace of mind ...

You prefer that people are polite ... but when

they are rude, it doesn't ruin your day.

You prefer sunshine ... but if it rains, it is OK too!

TO BECOME HAPPIER, WE EITHER NEED TO:

a) Change the world, or

b) Change our thinking.

It is easier to change our Thinking!

IN A NUTSHELL:

It is not the problem that is the issue,

but rather it is your attitude attending

to the problem that is the problem.

It's not what happens to you that

determines your happiness; it's

how you think about what happens to you.

Magic Of Imagination

“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you
everywhere.” - Albert Einstein

Dear Friends,

If we were to go by Logic we would not having many things
in life. Someone once said that if man has to fly, he must
have wings. We do not have wings but we created a few to fly
and soar above in life.

When man was born no one ever thought that we could reach out
to someone living in some part of the world with so much ease.
Someone just did that. What control us cannot be logic but
a deep desire and a great sense of imagination and dream
that will take us the what we actually want.

We must step out to think big, act big and achieve big. If we
have the thoughts of achieving big, we expect the same from
ourselves and also we take action to achieve the same. We are
anyways not to happy with the mediocre things in life, so we
can as well think big and fail. We lose nothing!

So Think Big!!

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!


1) For your information, please. (FYI)
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2) Noted and returned.
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3) Review and comment.
Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4) Action please.
Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5) For your necessary action.
It's your headache now.

6) Copy to.
Here's a share of the headache.

7) For your approval, please.
Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8) Action is being taken.
Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.

9) Your letter is receiving our attention.
We are still trying to figure out what you want.

10) Please discuss.
I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

Subscribe to REACHOUT

11) For your immediate action.
Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble.

12) Please reply soon.
Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13) We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant
authorities.
They are causing the delay, not us.

14) Regards.
Thanks for reading all the bullshit.